i wish i didn't know

When we lived overseas, I was the family doctor.  It was my least-favorite job of all time, because I didn't have a clue what I was doing, and if I did things wrong, my children could die.  

It was pretty horrible.  Every time one of the kids had a fever, I was sure they would be dead by morning.

 ...and let's not even start thinking about broken bones, concussions, and possible drownings...

...and let's not even start thinking about broken bones, concussions, and possible drownings...

Each time they survived another illness, I would say to myself:

  • Well, now I know how to treat malaria.
  • Well, now I know what dengue fever looks like.
  • Well, now I know what meds to give for pneumonia.

And every time, I would also say to myself:  this is one more thing I wish I didn't have to know about.

Then a few years later, I had to figure out how to handle a marriage twisted all up in a pornography addiction.

And while that was going on, I learned how to sort through years of loss and pain and anxiety and depression.

None of that was fun, and I kept thinking, I wish I didn't have to know about any of this.

Life keeps happening, and I keep thinking I know enough, already.  Surely, don't I already know enough?  

And then I find myself, again, on the edge of the dark forest, with God holding my hand, and saying, "Sweetheart, I'm sorry, but this is where we have to go."

I know there's redemption at the end of this road.  I know it.  

And it's not that I have great faith.  I've just had great experience with the One who holds my hand.

I can look back and KNOW that He redeemed in the past.  Just in the past couple of weeks, I have seen one tiny little thing from 15 years ago work a miracle of healing when we were just at the end of our options.  

I KNOW God is at work right now.  

I know who He is.  

I know what He does.

That doesn't stop it from hurting.

And I am learning to live through the pain and not beat myself up about, because Jesus went to a Garden.  When He went to that Garden, He knew that the redemption of the whole world was 6 hours on a cross and 3 days in a tomb away.  

And knowing redemption was on the way, He wept.

And his sweat was like drops of blood.

And He asked if the whole thing could just disappear.

And He was comforted by angels.

And He said, "Not my will, but yours."

Back in February, in the middle of a bad week, I went to a concert.  Robbie Seay and Josh Garrels were the angels singing to me that night, I think.  From there I took away a song that's been like a call on my life ever since, taken from the words of Martin Luther King, Jr., and talking about the places God calls us to go.  

Up To the Mountain

I went up to the mountain
Because you asked me to
Up over the clouds
To where the sky was blue
I could see all around me
I could see all around me

Sometimes I feel like
I've never been nothing but tired
And I'll be walking
Till the day I expire
Sometimes I lay down
No more can I do
But then I go on again
Because you ask me to

Some days I look down
Afraid I will fall
And though the sun shines
I see nothing at all
Then I hear your sweet voice, oh
Oh, come and then go, come and then go
Telling me softly
You love me so

The peaceful valley
Just over the mountain
The peaceful valley
Few come to know
I may never get there
Ever in this lifetime
But sooner or later
It's there I will go
Sooner or later
It's there I will go

I don't know everything.  I don't see everything.  

I wish I didn't have to know all this.

But I'm here because He asks me to be here.

And I trust the Love.  So I'm here.

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