the survey says: i'm mad (a guest post)

One of the first responses I got to my survey for women ("What Women Know about Pornography") was actually an email from a young man.  He didn't take the survey, but had a lot of things to say anyway.  

He led with "I'm mad..." 

I thought his story fits well here, after talking last time about God's first words to human beings.  Have sex, lots and lots of sex.  Remember?

With his permission, here's one voice needing to be heard.

 photograph:  Michael Bruner

photograph:  Michael Bruner

I grew up as a missionary kid. There, the three-letter s-word was a "no-no" and I mean a "no-no" to talk about. Sure, we had the birds and the bees’ talks when we were young ("we" being me and my guy friends). But, other than that we didn't hear hardly anything about it except negative statements. At least, that's what I felt.

We heard all about the consequences of pre-marital sex, masturbation, lust, and all that in Bible Study and from our mentors. We had the fear of God put into us about sex. Or, the attempt was made, at least.

Now, this is just my opinion since I haven't actually discussed this with my buddies and I haven't kept up with very many of them. But, for me personally, I couldn't even hear the word "bra" growing up without feeling like I was in some way defiled. Why?

Because 99% of what I heard from my elders regarding sex was negative.

Everyone seemed so afraid of me being hooked on pornography and lust or becoming a raving sex monster when I returned home that the entire focus of any "sex-talk" centered around me drawing my spiritual sword and raising my shield to prepare for battle.

No one thought to educate me, from the start, on the fact that it is a God-given gift that He intended to act as marital glue between the man and woman.  There was no true "sex education" in my opinion. I was taught the anatomy of sex, yes. But as a boy, I was not taught the importance of it within the covenant boundaries of marriage.

I was not taught the deeper, complex meanings behind sex and why it is incredibly spiritual in nature (two souls becoming one). I was not taught how intimacy with my wife is an overflow of the intimacy I have with God. I was not taught why "sex starts in the kitchen".

How many bumps and bruises could a couple bypass if the man went into his marriage understanding his spouse's heart and what intimacy really means to her? How different would it be if he understood that his actions of love must come from a giving heart and they must start long before the door to the bedroom closes?  And if I was told those things (which I don't remember happening) it was all built upon a foundation of fear.

If I had to sum up my sex education in one sentence, it would be this:

"Boy, you're vulnerable to lust, masturbation, and porn which can destroy your life--but sex is necessary."

I'm pretty sure that's not how God taught Adam about sex in the Garden of Eden. 

And I’m absolutely positive that Solomon worded things a bit differently in Song of Songs when he talked about it.

If I could change the way I was educated, I wish I had been instructed on sex the way I was instructed on reading the Bible, praying, living a holy life, having a good work ethic, and staying strong in the faith. I wish I had been taught a healthy, Biblical perspective on sex that included the entire books of Proverbs and Song of Songs.

I wish I had been as prepared to have a healthy sex life with my future spouse as I was to re-enter my home country.

But, that's just me. 


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