It's a hard day.
It's been a hard week.
I wish I knew when it was going to get better.
But I don't. It's out of my control, beyond my reach.
My terrible temptation is to think that "if I just..."
- If I just process all my childhood pain.
- If I just have excellent self-care.
- If I just have good boundaries.
- If I just have the best kind of community.
- If I just have my marriage the way it should be.
- If I just love my kids enough.
- If I just get the flu shot, or don't get the flu shot.
Somehow, some way. I'm going to get out of the mess, out of the brokenness. Out of the pain.
But it's not like that.
Life happens.
It happens in a heartbeat.
Nobody's doing anything wrong.
In fact, we are often doing our very best.
Life just happens.
The world is broken: profoundly, painfully, deeply. And we live here.
So here we are.
Mid way through this past week, which I am personally sure is going to make my Top 3 Worst Weeks of Life Ever (and you know me, I've got some contenders), we went to a Josh Garrels concert.
I was excited about Josh Garrels initially, but by Thursday night, not so much. It was cold. It was snowing. (Half an inch, people, snowpocalypse in North Texas.) I was absolutely exhausted. But, there was this one song I knew I needed to hear.
And we had promised to meet our son Matt there. More than anything, by then, I just needed to hug my son.
So we went, and timed our arrival so we wouldn't have to hear too much of the opening band, because I had never heard of them and I had no patience for people l'd never heard of.
When we walked in, this is what they were playing, these people I'd never heard of:
Well, I hung onto Matt and just cried.
And then they played this:
Finally, at the end of the evening, I got to hear the song I'd come to hear:
Farther along we'll know all about it
Farther along we'll understand why
So, cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine
We'll understand this, all by and by
Tempted and tried, I wondered why
The good man died, the bad man thrives
And Jesus cries because he loves 'em both
We're all cast-aways in need of rope
Hangin' on by the last threads of our hope
In a house of mirrors full of smoke
Confusing illusions I've seen
Where did I go wrong, I sang along
To every chorus of the song
That the devil wrote like a piper at the gates
Leading mice and men down to their fates
But some will courageously escape
The seductive voice with a heart of faith
While walkin' that line back home
So much more to life than we've been told
It's full of beauty that will unfold
And shine like you struck gold my wayward son
That deadweight burden weighs a ton
Go down into the river and let it run
Wash away all the things you've done
Forgiveness alright
Farther along we'll know all about it
Farther along we'll understand why
So, cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine
We'll understand this, all by and by
Still I get hard pressed on every side
Between the rock and a compromise
Like the truth and pack of lies fightin' for my soul
And I've got no place left go
'Cause I got changed by what I've been shown
More glory than the world has known
Keeps me ramblin' on
Skipping like a calf loosed from its stall
I'm free to love once and for all
And even when I fall I'll get back up
For the joy that overflows my cup
Heaven filled me with more than enough
Broke down my levees and my bluffs
Let the flood wash me
And one day when the sky rolls back on us
Some rejoice and the others fuss
'Cause every knee must bow and tongue confess
That the Son of God is forever blessed
His is the kingdom, we're the guests
So put your voice up to the test
Sing Lord, come soon
Farther along we'll know all about it
Farther along we'll understand why
So, cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine
We'll understand this, all by and by
So that's pretty much my play list for now.
Lord, come soon.