It seems like I've backed into a series on negative emotions.  I wrote about regret and then anxiety, and the past few days I keep reading stuff about anger.  

So, let's talk about anger.  Why not?  We're on a roll here.

My favorite book on anger is by a Jewish feminist, Harriet Goldhor Lerner.  It's called The Dance of Anger, and the first sentence of this book rocked my world:

"Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to."

I'd always heard that anger was really bad, and I needed to stop being angry immediately.  

The confusing thing was, there were adults in my world who were angry all the time, who didn't stop it immediately, and somehow that seemed to be okay.  

Lerner goes on to say this:

"Our anger may be a message that we are being hurt, that our rights are being violated, that our needs or wants are not being adequately met, or simply that something is not right. . . Just as physical pain tell us to take our hand off the hot stove, the pain of our anger preserves the very integrity of our self.  Our anger can motivate us to say 'no' to the ways in which we are defined by others and 'yes' to the dictates of our inner self.  

"Women, however, have long been discouraged from the awareness and forthright expression of anger.  Sugar and spice are the ingredients from which we are made.  We are the nurturers, the soothers, the peacemakers, the steadiers of rocked boats.  It is our job to please, protect, and placate the world."

(Click on over to the resource page to find a link to The Dance of Anger on my relationship carousel.)

First of all, let's get this out of the way:  all emotions are valid; not all behavior is healthy or appropriate.