"This is not a career path. This is a bumble."
Remember when I said that before?
Well, it's still true. I haven't managed to un-bumble myself with any degree of success. In fact, every time I think, "Now I know what's happening in my life," that thought turns out to be completely untrue.
Case in point.
Tomorrow is college move-in day for Jacob, our youngest. While I may have repressed a certain amount of reality in relation to this rapidly-approaching event, it's not unexpected.
I knew it was coming. Down the tracks like a shrieking freight train.
I knew I'd be sad. And I am.
But in addition to sadness, I am feeling unexpectedly unmoored as a human being, now that the work I've dedicated my adult life to is walking out the door.
People are my thing, and my children were my first people.
My best beloveds.
I can tell myself that this is all natural and healthy. It's going to be great for Jacob, and Andy and I have Things To Do.
But this unmooring. This last letting go. It hurts. It's hard.
While my parenting life has been coming unmoored, so has my professional life.
That was unexpected.
It makes sense, given the state of my big mouth, but I really didn't see it coming.
As you know, I've outted myself both on Facebook and here on my blog as LGBT affirming. Here's what I said before, about how Andy and I have shifted on this issue:
- We've read and listened to quite a lot from gay Christians over the past year or so. Here's what we've learned. There are some gay Christians who believe that God blesses gay marriage just as much as He blesses straight marriage. There are other gay Christians who believe that celibacy is required. Gay Christians are just trying to figure out what to do with hand that they're dealt. (Here's a great discussion if you'd like to learn more.)
- We understand the arguments for each position, but ultimately, the question of celibacy or marriage for gay people isn't one that Andy or I will have to answer personally. We're not gay. How gay Christians choose to live their lives out before God is not up to us.
- We therefore have made the decision to step back, trust others with their life before God, and support them on their journey just like we would anyone else. We don't interrogate straight people about their sex lives, and we're not going to do that to gay people, either.
- We want to treat people with the best love we can, whoever and wherever they are, without requiring them to meet a certain standard of behavior.
As a result of this stance, I will no longer be able to work at my current counseling center.
The center is creating a statement that we must affirm, saying something along the lines of "the practice of homosexuality is incompatible with Christian teaching."
When that's finished up in a few weeks, I'll have to say no and go. My boss and I have talked about it. We both cried. Neither one of us will budge. This is how it is.
We are all so seriously incompatible with Christian teaching, people. ALL OF US.
We are none righteous, no, not one.
I can't say to anyone else, gay, straight, or otherwise: "I've managed to climb to the pinnacle of the giant cow pie of human righteousness. Let me tell you how bad you look from my super-awesome vantage point."
Maybe to other people, that isn't what that statement says, but to me it is.
And I just can't.
I keep thinking of what Jesus said, about not being here for the healthy people but for the sick.
And I feel that same way.
I can either hang with the people who have their lives figured out already, or I can be with that one suffering person who feels completely unlovable and unacceptable because of their sexual orientation, their anxiety, their abuse history, their addiction.
To me, that's not even a choice. That's just the next right thing to do.
So. That's the state of the bumble today.