When Libby was a baby, before we went overseas, back when dinosaurs roamed the earth, I started to process how to think about faith and uncertain situations. (Moving to a small island in the middle of the South Pacific with little babies and no medical care other than yourself will tend to bring up those issues.)
I had been raised with pretty magical thinking: do the right thing and God will take care of you in extreme situations. In my head, our own personal righteousness was like money going into a vending machine. We kept doing all the stuff we were supposed to do, the coins of good works going “plink” “plink” plink” into the guts of the God machine, and when we needed it, we'd punch the button, prayer the right prayer in the right way at the right moment, and we’d get the treat we needed.
Which was fine until you started to realize that kids got malaria and tsunamis happened and boats capsized and you were about to put yourself right smack in middle of all that harm's way, with no 911 to dial. And I started to wonder how things were going to work out in the real world.
Devil’s Bridge, Sedona
So we were attending this tiny little church in Dallas and a couple just a bit older than us had a 2 year old, and she was diagnosed with cancer. And they had the most amazing testimony of faith and confidence in God. I was not having this same experience of faith and confidence. So after church one Sunday, I went up to this couple and asked for their secret. The dad said, "By his stripes we are healed! She is already healed!" I thanked them politely and went away not much comforted. My magical thinking system was already in failure, and once you’ve seen behind that curtain you can’t unsee what you’ve seen.
Still, I couldn't find a lot of other answers that seemed to work. People had "theologies of suffering" that often included God causing or willing or allowing suffering. I never could quite make that be okay in my head. I didn't know what cognitive dissonance was, but I had it.
In the absence of good answers, I just kept going with the default: doing all the right things, as much as possible (as an Ennegram 1, I was preeeettttttyyyy damn good at all the right things) hoping the vending machine would work when the time came.
It did not.
And then after the book, it all kept not working.
In 2014, when Libby was first sick, we talked about what we'd do if she didn't recover. By this time, life had thouroughly hammered home the reality that we had no control. No prayer or good works or bible verses were going to reverse medical mysteries.
We said: all we can do is love each other the very best we can.
That is literally the only thing we can control: the way we love each other.
We started saying to our kids, "Whatever happens, we will get through it together."
That was the only guarantee we could give them.
That was the one certain thing we could find for ourselves.
And then the thing that those people told me back at that little church all those years ago turned out to be the least true thing of all. My daughter was not healed. And she died.
In the aftermath of Libby’s death, those theologies of suffering are just a slap in the face. Somebody posted the other day about how each of their kids had been in some life threatening situation, and how God had spared each of them, hashtag blessed.
I can't even.
So I'm thinking about this because of the uncertainty in the world right now. Not just the virus (although that's enough) but I'm still pretty pissed about Elizabeth Warren and that orange fiddler in the white house. And that piece on 60 Minutes about how there's no ice in the Netherlands for their big ice skating thing. There's a lot of uncertainty. And a lot of certainty that is really scary.
I still don't have a better answer than "Whatever happens, we will get through it together."
That’s the one certain thing.
Of course, there are still plenty of other options you can go with, like American exceptionalism and xenophobia and it’s all a liberal hoax and spiritual bypassing of every description. There’s a crap ton of blame, and plenty of spiritual leaders who will tell you that this is all about somebody’s sin and the righteous judgment of their god, who of course will never judge them because they’ve cracked the code and they’re holding up the perfect life that proves their own righteousness and their god’s top approval rating.
If that helps you, well, knock yourself out. I kind of wish I could still be part of that club.
But if you’re like me and you realize that life is not completely under your control, nor can you manipulate the universe into giving you what you desire most of all, namely the safety and protection of all those you hold dear, well, here’s what I’ve got for you, this one certain thing: we will get through it together.
It's nothing like a magic wand, but from where I stand, it is the only thing I can guarantee you: my love, my care, my respect for all people, my welcome for those who are in need of a place and a home.
We will get through this together.
(I also recommend yoga and lots of alternate nostril breathing. Maybe some CBD oil and an uptick on those meds.)