The last time we sang Chris Tomlin's Lord I Need You at church, I cried through most of it.
Here's what got to me:
Where sin runs deep, your grace is more.
And this:
When temptation comes my way, and when I cannot stand I'll fall on you.
Y'all know I'm a good girl. So I don't think we're ever going to have a day here on the blog when I confess something that makes people hyperventilate and pass out. That cussing thing is about as bad as my behavior ever gets. Well, and there is that margarita at the Veracruz Cafe. But really. That's it. I am just not all that interesting in the sin department.
But what plagues me is my deep, deep disagreements with God regarding my own value to Him. I have a hard time being the Beloved. I grab onto it for a while, and I really get it. But then something comes up out of the dark and takes a swipe at me, and I'm struggling again.
The temptation that comes my way is not to cheat on my husband or steal a purse or carry vodka in my water bottle.
The temptation is to listen to the lies and let them rule my life.
The lies paralyze me. They keep me from using my gifts. Finding my voice. Living in freedom. Walking out my calling.
And in the absence of my gifts and my voice and my actions, I don't serve the Body the way that I could. I get real self-focused, because all I can deal with is me. And I end up anxious and depressed and crazy-brained for a while, until I can see what's going on and get a grip.
This is the weight, the sin that so easily entangles.
It's so deep. And dude. It is taking a longlonglonglonglong time to get over.
Sometimes I think, "What if I never get over this?"
And then there comes the temptation again. The temptation to believe that this is, somehow, some way, about me and my ability to do things right and get myself fixed.
See, I told you. Crazy brain.
God, I need you. Every hour. You are my only defense, my only righteousness.
There is a fountain.
Enough for everything, even if I never get over my junk in this lifetime.
And so I lay myself down here beside it again. Cool water. Still pastures. Restoring my soul.