I got this reader question that’s so important right now:
“As our family has spent more time together in close quarters than I can ever remember, there have been some good moments. Nevertheless we struggle with the same problems as usual, only now those dysfunctional tendencies are more robust and without our typical coping mechanisms in place (venting with friends, go somewhere to cool off, immerse ourselves in school or work), we are finding that *anger* is festering more virulently in our walls. Any ideas about how to diffuse anger.... together? We are well-equipped to deal with anger individually, we are not doing a good job when the brunt of our frustrations are exclusively being handled by one another.”
The Lennon Wall, Prague (photo: me)
Harriet Lerner, in the opening lines of The Dance of Anger, says this: ”Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to.”
For many of us, anger has been wielded against us as a weapon, and we in turn may wield it as a weapon against others, or we may be so afraid of anger that we try to deny, repress, and ignore its very existence.
But seeing anger as a signal is a powerful reframe at a time like this, when anger just busts out whether we like it or not.
We don’t have to be threatened by our own anger, or by the anger of others. When we all see it as a signal, we can simply listen to it for the information it has to offer, and move forward.
So when it comes to anger in families at this stressful time, I wonder about having conversations about anger as a signal: What might the anger be signaling?
There is a lot of grief, stress, and anxiety in the air right now. Anger can become the outward expression of those inner distresses. Maybe we just need to feel sad or scared for a while, and the anger will dissipate.
Or perhaps in close, confined quarters, boundaries are being crossed, or change has us feeling unsafe, or we don’t have enough alone time, or we are missing our friends. Anger can be telling us that things are wrong, and anger can give us the energy for needed change.
As family members understand what the anger is signaling for others, everyone may be better able to cope with the anger simply as a signal.
Perhaps each person might start to recognize their own signals sooner and then be able to respond to themselves with compassion or ask others for what they need before the anger becomes explosive.
Dr. John Gottman, one of the foremost relationship researchers on earth, suggests to couples that they learn to recognize when they are becoming emotionally flooded in a conflict, and to ask for a “recess” for time to cool off, then return to the conversation when you’ve had time to process.
Dr. Dan Siegel has a wonderful model of the brain that’s great for helping all ages to understand what’s going on in our brains before we flip our lids.
For me, just being able to recognize when I’m getting overwhelmed is so useful. If I can catch it early, I can stop and breathe, or go clean a toilet, and then I’m in better shape for whatever I need to do.
There are lots of things we can do for “regular maintenance” on our emotions:
Journaling daily
Naming our emotions
Accepting our emotions without judgment or shame
Reading good books on emotions, like Brene Brown’s Gifts of Imperfection
Meeting our own needs with compassion
Setting healthy boundaries
Getting enough sleep
Getting regular exercise
Deep breathing
Using a meditation app, like Calm
Having FUN!!!! Making sure we are laughing at least once a day!
All of those things should help!
But in a crisis like this pandemic, we’re all going to feel a lot of feelings, and we don’t have much space to express them.
It’s not going to be perfect, and that’s okay.
I think self-compassion is going to be key.
Practice saying “and that’s okay” as a tagline whenever you start to get judgy with yourself.
We are all just doing the best that we can right now.
It won’t be perfect, but whatever happens, we can get through it together.