I’ve seen several iterations of this heart-wrenching question:
My husband and I are on opposite ends of the political spectrum. Any conversation we try to have about the current situation results in a huge fight. How can we survive this season when we disagree about almost everything that’s going on in the world?
Balanced rocks, Mackinac Island (photo, Andy Bruner
I think there are a couple of scenarios that prompt this question:
You’re living with a spouse who is a reasonable person who also wants your marriage to be strong and successful, even though you disagree politically.
You are living with a spouse who has narcissistic or other abusive tendencies, whose personality issues mean that acting out is a higher value for them than being in a successful relationship together.
I sincerely hope that every person who asks this question is dealing with Scenario 1, so let me start there.
Marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman has found that 69% of marital conflicts are perpetual problems: we circle back to the same old issues over and over again.
Gottman says that “you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive.” Good news today, right?!
(Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, is a must-read right now.)
To have a conversation about a perpetual problem, and how to cope with it, Gottman says approach your spouse with a “soft start up.”
Brene Brown would say, be vulnerable.
I would say, a good bottle of wine and some chocolate would not go amiss at this point. (I have no research numbers on this, I’m just telling you what works at my house.)
In this specific situation, tell your partner that you want to survive this season and remain together as a couple, successfully. Ask for an opportunity to sit down and come to some agreements about how to make it through.
Agree to talk this through at a time when you are both calm.
Drink the wine. Eat the chocolate. Talk about some other things that you both enjoy. Dream about that vacation you’re going to take when this mess is all over. Laugh about something you both think is funny. Watch a movie or TV show together that you both enjoy. This all may seem off-topic, but you’re reminding each other of why you actually are interested in being successful: you like each other. This relationship is about more than politics during a pandemic.
Set that appointment for sitting down to agree with each other about how to survive this.
(I think more wine and chocolate on the daily, because Gottman says you’re supposed to spend six hours together each week in order to be successful. We accomplish that at our house by a daily bubble bath. With, you know, wine and chocolate. Hit those numbers however it works for you, but keep having a relationship that’s about more than politics during a pandemic.)
Getting to a place of calm might require a news and social media fast for a period of time, depending on how the news impacts you. If you know that watching/reading certain things makes you angry and upset, put those on the back burner until after this conversation is over. (Consider in general how media consumption is serving you and your relationships at this point. We’re in this for the long haul. How can we do that successfully? Keep monitoring yourself.)
Do some yoga. Do some deep breathing.
Then sit down for the conversation.
For the purposes of this conversation in the middle of this worldwide crisis, agree to FOCUS ON AGREEMENTS.
Agree on how to get groceries safely.
Agree on hand washing and masks.
Agree on staying home to stay safe.
Agree on how to give each other space on the daily.
Agree on fun “together” activities like dance parties or movie nights or walks in the park.
When it comes to your political views, agree to disagree for this season. TABLE IT.
Agree not to comment negatively on the other person’s views.
Agree to unfollow each other on social media if needed.
Agree on everything you can possibly agree on.
If you start to get upset during this meeting, ask for a recess so you can get calm again and move back into agreement mode. (You really do want the Gottman book. Get it.)
Hopefully this will all go well and you will be able to successfully survive this thing we’re calling life.
HOWEVER.
Some folks are dealing with something deeper and more difficult, like I mentioned in Scenario 2. I hope this is not your reality, but if you try the soft start-up, if you try vulnerabiity, if you try the wine and chocolate, and it always ends up in a bigger mess than you started with, you’ve got to consider the possibility that you partner is not able to join you in partnering. There’s something else afoot.
You’ve probably already seen this pattern over and over and over in your relationship anyway. It’s nothing new, just magnified by the stress of the pandemic. Your strategy has been to keep trying harder and harder doing All The Good Things I just listed above, only it never ever works, and I’m telling you that maybe it’s time to do something totally different that’s the complete opposite of what everybody says (and what I just said) you’re supposed to do in relationships.
I came across this little video clip the other day, which I hope will be helpful for all those in Scenario 2.
The basic idea is this. If you’re locked down with someone who refuses to partner with you in good faith, then your strategy becomes survival with the least amount of drama for yourself.
Recognize that the stress of this current situation means that your partner will act out. Move to minimize the impact to yourself in every way.
Grey Rock to the very best of your ability. Give them nothing of interest. All of the stuff I just said about how to have conversations that agree to disagree? Not going to work in Scenario 2. Ignore everything I just wrote and GREY ROCK for the good of your own soul.
Find a therapist who can support you through this tough time. It’s tough for everybody, but you’ve got an added load of incredible difficulty to cope with. All therapists should be offering telehealth sessions at this point.
I hope this helps!
For more support, come on over to We’ll Get Through It Together on Facebook for all the best resources, articles, and fun stuff I can find every day.
And, just in case you want to explore the issue of boundaries more in-depth, registration is open for my next Toward Better Boundaries: A Thirty Day Practice, beginning May 1 with a reduced registration fee.