Boundaries Day #1

DAY ONE: What do you need?

That’s our prompt for today: What do you need?

It may be one thing. It may be a list of 30 things. Whatever comes up for you, write it down.

Take 20 minutes to write, write, write.

If you get stuck along the way, you might just write the prompt out a few times: what do I need, what do I need, what do I need. Then keep writing.

As you write, notice how your body is feeling. Is there tension anywhere? Make note of that.

Write names for the emotions that are coming up as you ask yourself what you need. Keep writing.

Whenever you are ready to share some of your writing or other insights, post in the comments.

Boundaries Day #2

DAY TWO: What sparks joy for you?

I think that in order to practice healthy boundaries, we need a sense of YES. A sense of JOY. A sense of MEANING as to why we are practicing boundaries in the first place.

We are not simply practicing boundaries to get rid of a mess that everybody else dumped on us, although that may well be necessary.

As we practice boundaries, we’re building a space for ourselves, for our JOY, for an abundance of life. So, today’s prompt is “What sparks joy for me?”

You may think of one big thing and explore it. You may have a list of 30 things that spark joy. It’s up to you!

This is our prompt: What sparks joy for you?

Take your 20 minutes, write-write-write, and remember if you get stuck to write out the prompt. As you write, notice your body and your emotions. Make a note of how your body feels and what emotions are coming up as you write.

Boundaries Day #3

DAY THREE: Where's your oxygen mask?

Where’s your oxygen mask? And if it’s anywhere other than on your face, think about how your life would be different if you took care of yourself first, before trying to care for everyone else.

So, write away! 20 minutes, and remember your ways to get unstuck: write the prompt, attend to your body and emotions. Feel how your body feels when you ask this question and write about it.

Boundaries Day #4

DAY FOUR: Trust yourself

So let me ask you this: on a scale of 1-10, how much are you able to trust yourself?

If you don’t trust yourself much, then how do you make choices?

Who tells you what’s okay and not okay?

Are you "supposed" to trust yourself? And if not, why not?

If you aren't "supposed" to trust yourself, who are you supposed to trust, and why?

Spend 20 minutes mulling that over.

How do you feel about this question?

Are you angry with me for asking this question? Are you scared? Are you sad?

If you get stuck, write “I will trust myself” until you get unstuck.

Feel your body and name your emotions as you write.

Boundaries Day #5

DAY FIVE: Trusting others

Where do I need to stop helping so much? Where do I need to trust others (and/or trust God) in order to stop getting so much of "my help and goodness" all over everybody? Where do I need to express confidence in others?

20 minutes! Attend to yourself, body and soul, as you write.

Anne Lamott TED Talk

Boundaries Day #6

DAY SIX: non-judgmental observation.

We’re treating today like it’s Saturday after a week of work.

Look back on this week, the writing you did (or didn’t do) and simply observe without judgment.

Use compassion for yourself like you would for your best friend. You were doing the best you could this week.

Write about your experience with non-judgmental observation.

How hard or easy is it to simply observe?

How hard or easy is it to have friendship and compassion for yourself?

How does your body feel when you try to be non-judgmental and self-compassionate?

What emotions arise for you?

Boundaries Day #7

DAY SEVEN: Facing our fears

Your prompt is: “What am I most afraid of, when it comes to setting boundaries?”

I invite you to BREATHE and then write.

You’ll really need to pay attention to your body today, and don’t forget to use this breath practice any time you notice stress in your body.

Link to good breathing tutorial.

Boundaries Day #8

DAY EIGHT: allowing others to do their own work

Here’s our prompt for today: Who needs to do their own emotional work? How can we view them with compassion while releasing them to do their own work?

Take your 20 minutes of writing time, and notice how your body feels. This is hard work, letting others take care of themselves, and manage their own emotions and consequences. What emotions come up for you as you write?

Remember your breathing tool is always available when you need it.

Boundaries Day #9

DAY NINE: Our boundaries are not a threat to Love, they are necessary to Love.

Today’s prompt: Write about a time when you wanted or needed something different from your significant others. How do you feel when you want or need something different? Do your separate needs seem good and natural, or bad and shameful? If your separateness is negative, explore that.

Pay attention to your body and emotions as you write.

Boundaries Day #10

DAY TEN: In which my love for kids' movies in revealed, especially Tangled!

Think about this, then write.

My friends, true love does not control or trap us. True love is all about release and freedom for our vibrant and full selves. Healthy boundaries, like those castle walls, will provide a place for us to bloom.

Let’s write today about the witch’s tower.

How many of us have lived a long time in the witch’s tower? What comforts are keeping us placated? What guilt or manipulation holds us in place?

What would escape look like?

Boundaries Day #11

DAY 11: examining how our own niceness keeps us trapped

How much am I trying to control what other people think and feel about me? How much am I married to my niceness? How is that impacting me? Whose approval am I going to lose if I stop being so nice and get a few boundaries? Is my own life worth saving?

What emotions come up as I process these questions? How does my body feel?

Boundaries Day #12

DAY 12: looking at historical family patterns

What narratives and patterns are you part of, historically speaking? What are the expectations for women in your family? What are the expectations for men? How are wives and husbands and children and siblings supposed to act? How have those family expectations impacted your ability to be a healthy, separate, accepted self? If you move toward being a more healthy, separate self, how might that impact relationships with your family of origin?

Boundaries Day #13

DAY 13: preparing for unskillful responses to boundary setting

What unskillful and painful reactions have you experienced to boundary attempts in the past? How have you responded to those kinds of reactions? How often have you felt required to JADE: Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain? What would you like to do differently in the future?

Pay attention to your body and your emotions!

Boundaries Day #14

DAY 14: listening to our bodies

Part one of our writing today: make that list of thoughts, ideas, beliefs, that are a detriment to us today. You might want to go back through your daily writing and look for those thought patterns that cause you to push past your gut checks in ways that are ultimately harmful to you.

Part two of our writing is to consider what our deep brain-and-body system is saying to us. Where do I feel that gut-check? Maybe I’ve trained myself to ignore it, but now I want to really pay attention. Where does it sit in my body: my stomach, my chest, my neck, my legs, my hands? Your writing so far should provide some help!

Part three: create a mantra for yourself about your bodily wisdom. It might be as simple as “I will listen to my body/emotions/intuition.” Write your mantra out 10 times as you finish your writing practice today.

Boundaries Day #15

DAY 15: naming the behaviors that are toxic to our boundaries

So what’s your poison? Voicelessness? Niceness? Saving others?

What is the toxicity? Let’s rise up and face it. Let’s give that poison a name during our 20 minutes of writing today.

When we name it, we know it. When we know it, we can accept it. When we accept it, we can release it. When we release it, we are free to choose something new.

Boundaries Day #16

DAY 16: practicing boundaries in low-risk environments in preparation for higher-risk relationship boundaries

Our prompt for today: How often do I push past what’s not okay with me, or tell myself it doesn’t matter? Where are some places I could identify what’s not okay with me, and practice on "people who don’t matter"? How does my body feel when I think about practicing on "people who don’t matter"?

Boundaries Day #17

DAY 17: thinking about the toughest boundarie we need to set

My hope for today is that we can simply find clarity about our toughest boundaries.

We are not going to think about implementation today, just definition.

So our writing prompt for today is simple:

Here’s my YES, here’s my NO.

Here’s what is okay, here’s what is not okay.

This is me, that is not me.

Get these important boundaries written down clearly today.

Boundaries Day #18

DAY 18: identifying real, lasting change and the anxiety that keeps us trapped in old patterns

Today’s prompt: Consider how much anxiety is involved in setting boundaries. Think about where that anxiety comes from. How has that anxiety been played out in your high-value relationships so far? How could you direct your emotional energy toward true second-order change?

Boundaries Day #19

DAY 19: preparing for boundary ambushes

Today’s prompt: consider the types of boundaries you need to set.

Are you engaged in toxic ecosystems, playing a never-ending game of Whack-a-mole? Do you want to set new boundaries with those systems?

What would thpse boundaries look like? Would you set time boundaries? Verbal boundaries? Geographical boundaries? Legal boundaries? Social media boundaries?

If you get ambushed a lot, choose a verbal boundary response and practice it by writing it out 10 times daily.

Boundaries Day #20

DAY 20: think about our attachment style

Prompt for today: identify one or two close friends who might help support you as you try new things.

What patterns have you played out in relationships in the past?

How does your body feel as you think about asking for support?

What emotions come up for you?

What stories do you tell yourself about asking for support?

(You can find attachment style quizzes online, like this one.)